Lo que será, será
Life • Web Design • October 26th, 2007Just read this and what prefaced it, and all these thoughts I haven’t wanted to think too much about have suddenly started running wild — unstructured, un–figured–out still…
I’m a home–based freelancer working almost exclusively for one (very good) client these days. I have all the freedom I need. I’ve had the most relaxed pregnancy anybody can hope for. Over the last months, and not totally free of guilt, I’ve made concessions: Less revenue in exchange for the time to rest, nest, and be pregnant when I’ve felt I need and want to be. No questions asked. No excuses to make up. No sick days to report. No commute from work to home.
I’ve announced a date for the beginning of my maternity leave. They seem to want me back, and I want to be back — some time. But unable to anticipate what my life will be like with a baby, the date of my official return to work is completely open.
Of all the usual options for child care, grandparents/relatives care is not available to us. I don’t love the idea of sending a 3–month–old to a Day Care center. I particularly don’t think I can trust my baby to some other mother running family care from her home, where my baby would be the stranger among all of her own children. That only leaves me with the option of finding a nanny so I can work some hours from home and feel comfortable that the baby’s safe, or at least: nearby.
But how do you find a nanny you can trust? How much do they cost? Will that give me enough time to return to a project that requires a dedicated resource? Will I need to change clients and the type of projects I can take?… That would probably mean that I’d need to get back on the rough business of flat–fee work and hope that I get good clients, but have to deal with all the terrible requests that come more often than not, and take so much time to screen out. So will I be able to make enough money to justify hiring a nanny? And if I have to take on crappy work, will that leave me wiped out, tired and depressed to enjoy my baby?
And then… What is the honest current state of my professional ambition?
I suspect it’s not the same as it was one or two years ago… But can you safely say that? Will I be judged by clients and employers if they ever figure out that I’m no longer interested in becoming a recognized character in the industry? (Like it is that easy!). Must we all pretend that we want to be “great”, when the truth is that “very good” is just fine most of the time?… Specially when the average client out there is not willing to afford “great”, and yet: wants it for the price of crap?
Many questions I don’t think I can answer right now. I guess I’ll keep cruising through these last weeks avoiding any serious thoughts and plans about the future until I’m really there, and know what kind of baby I have, and what my options are, and what I want and can do. I’m not really going through a panic attack… Just conceding a tiny second to the typical thoughts every future working mother has at some point of her life.
