Hagamonos Pasito
Life • March 11th, 2008I had heard about this before I became a mother…
When it comes to parenting, the world is split in two (of course, with shades of gray in between):
Group 1
I’m a parent now. From this moment on, my kid is more important than me. I will do anything in my power to never let him/her cry, feel frustrated, or God forbid: wait for me. My needs are secondary to those of the kid. I cease to exist. My kid is more important than me, and it is my sole responsibility to change everything in my life for the sake of my kid.
Group 2
I’m a parent now. My kid is very important, but he/she can’t become more important than me. I’ll do my best to fulfill my kid’s needs while also attending to mine. It’s obvious that my life must change to accommodate this new individual; I will have to make sacrifices and compromise. However, my kid will also have to learn to live with me, respecting my needs, compromising, and understanding that he/she is not the center of the universe.
Shades of Gray
When someone does something group–2–ish (for instance, ferberize their baby, or feed formula rather than breastfeed), parents from group 1 feel the unstoppable need to tell the other person what a lousy parent he/she is: “He/She must know that the kid should always come first. He/She is doing it totally wrong. Social Services should take away this person’s kids”.
It’s risky to talk about the type of parent I want to be. The minute you declare something absolute, life has a beautiful way to make something happen so you’ll have to eat your own words. Let’s just say, then, that I’ve always thought my personality fits more along the lines of Group 2. Now that my baby is so little and building his security and trust in me, I find that I’m acting maybe a little more like Group 1 (all of his needs come before mine). However, I know that pretty soon (when my Mom goes home) I’ll have to shift to Group 2 because I’ll be left alone taking care of my kid and myself 24×7. I know that if I always put all my needs below those of my son, I will be frustrated and end up taking it out on him. I know that doing the opposite will wrongly teach him that he is the center of the universe.
It’s inevitable that every once in a while I’ll vent parenting frustrations on this site. Just know that in those cases — unless I say that I’m about to cut my veins — although frustrated, I’ll still think that life is great. No need to fix me… No need to put me down… I am mostly just venting and looking for a tiny bit of empathy. Nobody knows the complete picture of what the other parent is going through… How much shit he or she is eating. So please, be nice with those comments, or as they say in Spanish “Hagámonos pasito”. Parenting is hard as it is…
