Yes. It does sound like your daughter and Joaquin have a lot in common. So, since you’ve taken the time to let me know about you, I think it’s only fair that I tell you how the story evolved for us, which doesn’t mean it’s the same way how it will evolve for you, but I believe in synchronicity, and energy, and a lot of spiritual stuff that tells me, I should tell you right now this… Just in case…

All the challenging behaviors I described about Joaquin made complete sense finally when I realized that he was developing autism. Yes. Joaquin has been diagnosed in the Autism spectrum. So has the son of my friend Ria, who also commented on this post before she learned about her son’s autism.

Now, if reading this scares the hell out of you because somehow you have sensed that your daughter is “special” in a way that worries you, I encourage you to do some research and not dwell on the “she’ll grow out of this”. Not out of fear, but because the sooner you know (if there is something going on), the sooner you’ll learn how you can help her best, and the sooner you’ll move from tough life to awesome life. I used to think that all these things Joaquin was doing were part of his personality. And they may well be. But they also map as symptoms of Autism and he needed a change of gears on my part and his environment.

And just in case that the word autism (which I’m not saying applies to your daughter) scares you, I’ll say this with every piece of truth I have in my self… Autism is curable, and if you are one of the lucky winners of this lotto (which I realize doesn’t sound lucky at all right now for you), the gift is that not only is my son recovering from the disability aspects from it and developing in the most amazing – yet atypical way, but also I AM healing spiritually in a way I didn’t even know I needed. Today, and because of my son’s autism, I am walking a path I sensed I wanted to walk as a child but life as a young adult distracted me from it. A path towards joy, love, consciousness, and happiness.

I am enjoying this journey most days. And on those days that I don’t, I am starting to learn why, and how those days are wonderful opportunities for me to grow more. I still resist them sometimes, but I’m learning.

My niece was also very high-needs as a child, and it turns out that she is not autistic or Asperger’s (as far as they know without a formal diagnosis), but she is considered “talented and gifted” (i.e. super smart). So this is another possibility. Either way, both of these types of children thrive in the same environment: Acceptance, love, and a lot of attention and dedication. A mommy commitment way higher than you probably signed up for. But if this is how your case turns out, I’ll just say right now that you sound like you already have everything it takes. It may sound difficult (and it can be, when you are unhappy), but the journey is amazing and surprisingly easy at the times when you flow with it and trust that everything is happening perfectly, at the perfect pace, for a perfect reason.

I wish you the best of luck and salute you as a fellow mother of a high-needs child. Autism or not, your daughter is truly special, and so are you since you are her mother.

Anyway, I could go on, but just know that I am living your life. I only read this one entry, so I don’t know the whole story about your child, but it was like everything you wrote came from me and my life. Thanks for sharing. Enjoy the journey if you can!

Yes. I’m totally with you on this. I have also decided to stop comparing my child to other children. You keep reading about how every kid develops at a different pace, and yet, it’s hard to stop yourself from noticing all the little things that other children seem to do “better” than your child. And some times, you forget all the wonderful things he does, perhaps even better than the other kids.

For instance, since I wrote this, I’ve become more aware of the fact that Joaquin is really not a difficult child. He is an angel at home. He’s very manageable. He just seems to be more challenging (to me) on social situations. And guess what: So am I. The difference is I’m older and have learned a little more, and can control my reactions better than him. But it is having realized that he is a pure straight carbon copy of me on this particular aspect that has made me become a lot more patient with him. I’m also reading a book that classifies kids in three groups: easy–going, shy, and spirited. Joaquin fits a lot of the shy description. And I fit it totally.

I’m sorry to hear that you have struggled with Pelle too. You are the person that knows him best. And I am the person that knows Joaquin best. A nurse who only sees your child for a few minutes while giving him his shots, and his teacher at the toddlers group… they all see just a little bit of him. They probably miss the big picture that only you see. They miss all the other ways in which Pelle has developed above other children. And they may misjudge him.

I have also thought I’d like to practice meditation to help my mind stop the chattering of silly thoughts. To help me cope better with the struggles, and flow easier with life and motherhood after 35. It’s good to know that it has helped you. I just need to really commit to it. I always get a little lazy to try.

The past month, my worries came and went, came and went. Every other toddler I saw seemed so much more mature.

Now I can let go. One of the things I decided for myself was to stop comparing. Because I’m biased and it doesn’t do anyone any good. I use more mental tacticks I learned myself throughout the years, like meditation and have faith in the flow of life.

And thus we strugle as parents. And although I sometimes wish I learned every lesson in life, this is another path we have to take. I hope you’ll find support, soon.

Best wishes, Ria

I’m glad you enjoyed my comments. Every time I read your posts about Joaquin, I grin thinking he sounds so much like you.

BTW… you were in Texas and didn’t call??????? Harumph

In many aspects, Joaquin’s temperament is exactly like mine. We’re both extremely cautious, we both feel safest at home, both of us have the immediate tendency to reject new ideas, new people, new experiences. The difference is: My “more mature” brain has learned to temper these reactions down (a little bit), but in him, they come out straight and pure, with tons of tears and screams, and they limit my life, and they bring all this unwanted attention to me (when we are with other people), and they’re completely impossible to negotiate with.

I doubt that as a baby I was as “high-needs” as Joaquin is (I don’t think my parents would’ve put up with it), but somehow I grew to become this, and passed it to my baby, and now I have to see myself in him, and deal with it. That’s perhaps one more of the ways how becoming a parent makes you grow, and become a better version of yourself.

Very wise remarks!… With that depth of perspective, you probably would make a very good mom too ;)

I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with Joaquin. I’m sure things will evolve and get easier for your as he grows up. In fact, a lot of those qualities sound like he’s extremely bright and born for success. :)

And (you’ll probably kill me for this) several of the behaviors you listed reminded me of our working together… Like, when you just wanted me to ‘understand’ what you were saying, that it was ‘right’ and I just ‘had to listen’ to you, but my little brain wouldn’t keep up. You’d get frustrated and keep going faster and faster and I’d have to say, “Stop. My brain doesn’t process as fast as you… let me just think for a minute.” :) Or, those times you and Sean would go at it (which, yes, he was most often in the wrong, but still).

I will say, I never felt you were remotely ‘high-needs’. I thought – and still do – that you were extremely bright and creative and just had a lot of passion for your life and work. So, I guess what I’m saying is… he’s maybe a lot like you? :)

-Jennifer