Mar 13, 2011
Success, performance, achievement. The stuff for which I’ve worked most in the first 38 years of my life…
Last year’s existing project to create a new passionate career… To become a successful artisan, a brand name, a recognized designer able to make a living out of my craft and joy, all surrounded by stress and sometimes envy, realizing the huge competition that exists also in this field. Feeling that everything is already taken, that there’s little room for yet one more achiever, but powering myself to work as hard as always to make it there like I’ve made it in all other projects I’ve embarked before… I’ve always been a high-performer; it’s always worked for me.
Joaquin’s autism came to redirect the course of my life, immediately changing the end goal from an ego-powered one, to one with more meaning in the context of oneness and connection with the Source. I needed new tools to go through this journey, and they’ve come to me abundantly in the shape of spiritual inspiration and reconnection with my higher self. The messages come from so many different voices, and they all speak to me about the same core principles… I’m slowly learning to be different, to love doing things I thought I hated before, to be kinder to myself, to stop attempting to control and direct. Not easy, given the programs that still operate every day in my subconscious — But I recognize the lessons as I slam my face against walls and remember I need to let go and trust. Do what’s needed, but let the Universe take charge.
Many times I still find myself focused on success and performance as I work hard to help Joaquin grow. Right now, as I listen to Wayne Dyer, tears run down my face as I once more consider the possibility of letting go, of enjoying the opportunity without the pressure to perform. Stopping interfering and letting the energy do its work. I did it a few months ago and those were the best days of last year. But my old program kicked in and made me scared of not being on the driving seat, and I fell from heaven and then whipped myself to get back up — of course failing.
It’s taken several months to feel good again. To learn what I needed to learn and get new nourishment. New empowering messages are reaching me again. I’m not fourty years old yet, but I think “the afternoon” of my life has started. I love the long shadows and golden light of afternoons. Thank you Joaquin for coming to help me wake up.