Feb 23, 2012
This morning, right before waking up, I saw the image of an angel (?) all dressed in white, long blond straight hair, and really huge dark eyes. I thought that maybe he’s someone in my team.
That concept of “team” is very recent. Like perhaps from Monday night, when I went to sleep and saw that maybe it’s not just me but a group of souls “working” as a team around this life “of mine”. And I asked to be given clarity on my role and how best to serve in it within this team.
So I went today on my 15 minute meditation (“pause”, as Joaquin and I call it) and I saw the angel again. Then I thought again of the team. It’s like a car race. I am the one in the vehicle, operating it, but there’s a voice in my ear guiding me, and a whole team of support people located at a distant base. And like in a car race, how freaking exciting to be the one in the car, going through the thrill of the run. But unlike a race, the purpose here is not to finish first but to learn all the tricks in this course and experience. I felt the excitement of my role. Felt privileged to be here… To be given this oportunity while others (non-physical souls) stay in the sidelines.
So my belly was rumbling a lot. I laughed thinking that perhaps it has so much to say. My wisdom gut wants to talk to me. So I asked her to talk, “I’m listening”. I opened my heart thinking that perhaps that would be the way to turn on my receptor. The feeling of open heart reminded me of last night… Joaquin went in the bathroom, willingly sat on the toilet with the intention to poop in it, and for the first time he did it, last night.
At first, he was in the bathroom with Joey and I was in the bedroom. The first time he tried it, I joined them in the bathroom to cheer Kiki on. He stepped away from the toilet, but later he tried again. This time I decided to stay in my bedroom cheering him on only with my heart. My message to him was not “I hope you do it” or “you can do it!”; Joey was doing that part. It was not poop–in–toilet that I was focused on. I was focused on my love and admiration for Joaquin’s courage to do something he’s never done before. Love for everything he’s overcome, for the soul he is and how he’s stretched himself so much in this life.
So today I’m opening my heart holding the same feeling from last night, trying to listen to the mesage my belly has for me, and I’m reminded of what actually materialized last night. And the thought that comes to me is that I am like Joaquin seating on that toilet. All that love and appreciation I directed to him last night, I should direct to myself as well. Because I’m stretching and daring like he is. I saw the image of Kiki with his jugler hat, and saw it as both of us. What happened last night is an external reflection of what’s hapening inside me too.
On the first day of this 40-Day Self Transformation commitment I’ve signed on, my son poops in the toilet for the first time… After having said NO to it for so long.
Yesterday morning, on that first day of forty, I gave all my worries to my team to figure out. I made a prayer sort of like “I’ve applied my mind to this issue for three weeks and I haven’t figured it out. Perhaps it’s not my job to figure it out. So I am going to shift my focus away from this situation and trust you to figure it out for me and guide me through it”.
Last night Joaquin went for it and conquered.
And my guidance this morning is to look at that as a reflection of my own process, state, and courage.
To celebrate myself and love my efforts in the same way.
He’s so easy to love and celebrate. I need to give myself some of that love too. In fact, not just “some”; the message was “as much as”. And the memory of Bears comes to my mind (asking us Son-Rise beginners that morning if we clap and cheer our special children every morning with the same intensity and enthusiasm as we had just given to him). This time I see his question as… “Do you celebrate your efforts and progress with the same love and admiration you do towards Joaquin’s?”
I thought this message was very self-indulging and awkward… But that was today’s guidance from the team.