Mar 1, 2012
Last weekend was a tough one. Tiny actions or words unleashed a wave of anger towards Joey which consumed my mind during both days. I’d go to bed okay, or mildly upset, and by morning the emotion was exponentially worse. Very uncomfortable for the three of us.
So when a tiny “emergency” woke us up on Monday and my mind blamed Joey again, I became a little suspicious… For the first time, I realized that perhaps this anger was not really ME. I went back to bed fully awake after cleaning up the “emergency”, and so I meditated a little bit while Joey was in the shower. Very interesting thoughts popped up, and they continued during the rest of the morning. Here’s some of what I learned:
Not having any evidence of non-physical guides, angels and such, I like a lot the idea of their existence, and I include them in my reality as part of this team that is helping me reveal my own freedom. I think a world of these “guys” and trust them, and talk to them, and when I do, I feel very real energy movement in and over my body that I attribute to them. And the first thought that came to me that morning while noticing this non-personal anger towards Joey was that perhaps Joey is at a soul level as wonderful or more than these non-physical souls I imagine in my team. And he might even be THE BEST and closest to me because, what a guy!… He actually came down here, took a body with all the limitations of its nature, and is currently living life here with me, as lost (perhaps) as me, helping me grow, being in my team while blindly walking the walk with me. And the anger towards Joey immediately melted away and was replaced by appreciation. So I was able to smile and return his kiss before he went to work.
During the rest of the morning, I had several more perspective-changing insights…
This Heaven that was my home all through January… When I didn’t feel it any more and noticed my emotions and thoughts returning to impatience, urge to control, and fear, I thought that something had done that to me. When I contract after a blissful expansion, I usually take it as traffic control: Something out there is stopping me from walking, and although I am aware that this something may be coming from somewhere in me, it still feels like I can’t control it. The thought that came Monday morning was that there is indeed no traffic control different than my own. And without attachment to being in heaven, I can decide to be there. There’s no need to wait for something to let me in. I can look at what happened, the thoughts and emotions I have processed with this contraction, the opportunity I’ve taken to recommit to my biggest intention and look again at the related fears and shed some of their bulk, and when I’m ready I can command to feel heaven again. I don’t expect it to happen in a second as I clasp my fingers, but it is a command I’ve declared, and since Monday I have started acting more in alignment, and I’ve surely felt my vibration raising over this week.
I also saw how silly it is to compare myself to my past self. See, I’ve noticed that I have this awesome image of who I’ve been in the past: Strong, excellent, accomplished, confident, driven, beautiful… And recently, when I’ve been down, bored, guilty, purposeless, my mind has expressed thoughts like “You are NOTHING like you used to be!”. It’s felt really miserable to think of myself as less than my past. And I’ve processed the ugliness in that. I’ve collected evidence of how it’s not true, how I’ve grown so much in aspects that I left untouched for years, how I must be more than before as a package. But the thought coming this morning was beyond that: It was seeing in bright light the truth that comparing myself to who I was 10 years ago, 10 days ago, or even 10 minutes ago is as useless as comparing today’s sky and clouds to yesterday’s. They are not the same. I am not the same. I only am in the present. And the old snapshots I’ve collected of myself are just not me anymore. I’ve felt before the notion of being like a river, ever flowing, ever changing… But this thought packed more punch. It directly asked me to stop comparing my present to my past, my “am” to my “should be”. It was so relieving.