Maternal Wishes Still Not Kicking In
Not yet. I do know some day I will want to have had children. So does Joey. But I’ve just never been the kind of woman that dreams of being a mom. I like babies and children… Sure… (when they are well behaved). But I’ve never seriously pictured myself with one living in my house. And today, not having seen yet a round and delicious tiny thing who carries our genes and rests a clinched fist against my chest, I don’t look forward to triggering the un-doable chain of events which will end up with my whole life revolving around a child.
However, somewhere in me, I know that if I don’t try to have children, I’ll regret it some day. And I know I will probably never feel like I am ready for them. So, with the clock furiously ticking at 33, and possibly right at the WORST time we could have ever planned for, I decided that 2006 has to be the year in which we’ll have to go for it.
I’m a planner, so I figured I probably would not want to go through the last months of a pregnancy in the winter. Don’t really want to have to buy rather expensive coats and heavy clothes for that one time of my life. I decided that given all the current less than optimal circumstances, the best time to receive our baby would be in the fall of 2007. Hence, I need to be pregnant January 1st, 2007. I even put it on my calendar.
Had the talk with Joey, and he agreed. In the fall of 2007, he’ll be one year away from finishing his Law degree. Not optimal, but it’s never been, anyway… And we don’t even know how long it could take to “score”, so we have to give it some time.
The timing sounded “good”. It gave me one more year of procrastination, until plans changed a few weeks ago… Joey thought about it, and decided that he’d rather be on summer break when the baby comes. It sounds a little harsh to him to go through all the baby mess right at the beginning of the school year. Allow me to laugh: At BOTH of us. We keep overplanning this, like somehow we can find a perfect time and shoot it right on target. But anyway, I gave him that, which suddenly puts me on panic mode because it means that I’ll have to find a doctor soon. Grrrr. I’m new to the city. Granted: It’s baby-city, but I lost my great female doctor. Now I need to find some new person, and give HER (It’s gotta be a woman) my pregnancy.
And it’s terrible to think that I’m still not in that “want a baby” state. Whenever I think about it, and what will happen, how I won’t be able to work for some time, the fact that we don’t have any family or friends around to help, and Joey will be in the middle of hell, and both our sisters are planning on having babies around the same time or sooner, and who knows how much we’ll have to pay with our crappy independent medical insurance, then I’ll have to organize birthday parties with strangers (ME! ORGANIZE PARTIES! WITH STRANGERS!!!), and cook healthy food, every day, and if we have a daughter, Joey will fall in love with her, and if we have a son, he’ll finish breaking everything dear to me that Joey hasn’t managed to break yet… Whenever I start thinking about ALL THAT, I quickly kick it out of my mind, and tell myself I just have to close my eyes and jump into the fricking pool, because if I look down I will NEVER do it.