Mafe Maria: Personal stories by autism parent mentor, Maria Stultz

Maternal Wishes Still Not Kicking In

Not yet. I do know some day I will want to have had children. So does Joey. But I’ve just never been the kind of woman that dreams of being a mom. I like babies and children… Sure… (when they are well behaved). But I’ve never seriously pictured myself with one living in my house. And today, not having seen yet a round and delicious tiny thing who carries our genes and rests a clinched fist against my chest, I don’t look forward to triggering the un-doable chain of events which will end up with my whole life revolving around a child.

However, somewhere in me, I know that if I don’t try to have children, I’ll regret it some day. And I know I will probably never feel like I am ready for them. So, with the clock furiously ticking at 33, and possibly right at the WORST time we could have ever planned for, I decided that 2006 has to be the year in which we’ll have to go for it.

I’m a planner, so I figured I probably would not want to go through the last months of a pregnancy in the winter. Don’t really want to have to buy rather expensive coats and heavy clothes for that one time of my life. I decided that given all the current less than optimal circumstances, the best time to receive our baby would be in the fall of 2007. Hence, I need to be pregnant January 1st, 2007. I even put it on my calendar.

Had the talk with Joey, and he agreed. In the fall of 2007, he’ll be one year away from finishing his Law degree. Not optimal, but it’s never been, anyway… And we don’t even know how long it could take to “score”, so we have to give it some time.

The timing sounded “good”. It gave me one more year of procrastination, until plans changed a few weeks ago… Joey thought about it, and decided that he’d rather be on summer break when the baby comes. It sounds a little harsh to him to go through all the baby mess right at the beginning of the school year. Allow me to laugh: At BOTH of us. We keep overplanning this, like somehow we can find a perfect time and shoot it right on target. But anyway, I gave him that, which suddenly puts me on panic mode because it means that I’ll have to find a doctor soon. Grrrr. I’m new to the city. Granted: It’s baby-city, but I lost my great female doctor. Now I need to find some new person, and give HER (It’s gotta be a woman) my pregnancy.

And it’s terrible to think that I’m still not in that “want a baby” state. Whenever I think about it, and what will happen, how I won’t be able to work for some time, the fact that we don’t have any family or friends around to help, and Joey will be in the middle of hell, and both our sisters are planning on having babies around the same time or sooner, and who knows how much we’ll have to pay with our crappy independent medical insurance, then I’ll have to organize birthday parties with strangers (ME! ORGANIZE PARTIES! WITH STRANGERS!!!), and cook healthy food, every day, and if we have a daughter, Joey will fall in love with her, and if we have a son, he’ll finish breaking everything dear to me that Joey hasn’t managed to break yet… Whenever I start thinking about ALL THAT, I quickly kick it out of my mind, and tell myself I just have to close my eyes and jump into the fricking pool, because if I look down I will NEVER do it.


  1. On , Petie wrote:

    It’s funny – because I didn’t go through any of that when I “jumped in” and had little Joelle. Perhaps it’s because I’m #2, the second child who had no idea what having a child would be. However, I like to think it’s because as you say, I knew I wanted a child. I felt like no time would be the best time and that I’d always planned on having my first before I was 25. That was that. We had Joelle a short 10-11 months after that point. She’s the best thing, aside from Chris, that I have had since my original introduction into life with my family. Since having my own baby, I do also love my family even more. I understand so much more.

    Anyway, that’s the odd thing. Deciding to try for #2 has been the most difficult decision in my life. It’s interesting since I am the “spare.” (I’m reading an incredible book where the author quotes an English saying – “An heir and a spare,” for why most families have 2 kidoes). So, your writing really spoke to me. I’m going through the exact same thing. I just love my life so much and am afraid of change. Chris’s logic is what ultimate prevails in this decision, “We might regret having one, but we will never regret having two.” What if we end up with three???

  2. On , Maria wrote:

    Funny… It sounds horrible, but in a way, I think of my first child also as “the spare” (in case one day I lose Joey). It’s an interesting and true saying.. I had never heard it.

    So sounds like your biggest fear is the possibility of a third squeezing in, huh?
    If you had certainty that you’ll only get pregnant with ONE, would that make your decision any easier?

    I’m of course a complete ignorant because I don’t have children, but I would think that, excluding finances, there’s not much difference in the quality of your life between having one child or two. What do you think?

  3. On , Petie wrote:

    I think that going from one kid to two is a big change as well. I agree, not as big, but big. I think going to three is possibly the biggest change because then the parents are outnumbered! I think I’m ok with the possibility of having twins; otherwise, I wouldn’t be ready to have more. They would be such hard work when they are very little, but then they would play so much together. …and twins are the neatest thing. They’ve always infatuated me.

  4. On , Kim Rodriguez wrote:

    Aaah my little Mafe….don’t worry….Many first time parents don’t have their first little dimpled Gerber baby at the perfect time….and it is a huge change….but nature has this way of making all things work out and fall into place….You surely remember the story I told you about Andres……we had a name (his and adriana’s) picked out for years, so we always knew we were going to have kids SOMEDAY, but it was never quite the right time..we kind of like the condemned man looking for the tree from which to be hung to death…..and without Lucila’s ardent laps around the rosary that year, your tio and I would NEVER have found the perfect time…..We had a GREAT time being without kids…..and having kids was an adjustment…..but you have witnessed yourself with us… that once you head down the path you wonder what on earth would you have done if you hadn’t had kids!

  5. On , Maria wrote:

    I love that joke!… The condemned guy looking for the tree, and looking… and looking… and suspiciously never finding the perfect one. Yeah. That’s kind of how it goes. I think a lot of you two when I think about this topic. For a looooong time you were the favorite uncle and aunt, and then, yes, brujilla Lucilita did her “conjuros”, and threw her “polvitos”, and made the miracle happen (HA! HA! HA!), and that was that… You became parents, and things changed, even for your little nieces…

  6. On , Maria wrote:

    Ah! We also keep this ongoing discussion about names. (Guess that’s a good sign). We’ve waited SO LONG, that our best choices have been taken by everybody else who had children first. Damn it!

  7. On , Kim Rodriguez wrote:

    the nice thing is that you can draw from a wider bank of names….latincito & gringito…..and whatever else tickles your fancy……granted it will be a bit of a trick to make “Estaban Stultz” or “Concepcion Stultz” (that one really would be funny!heehee) slide over the tongue..

  8. On , Joey wrote:

    Hmmm. Concepcion.

  9. On , Petie wrote:

    Why can’t Joey plan the birthday parties? He’s a little social butterfly – I think he’d be perfect for the task.

    Surely “Joelle” wasn’t one of those favorite names? :) What other names have been taken? We don’t have any other names picked out – we knew Joelle would be our first baby’s name since college!

  10. On , Maria wrote:

    “Sofia” was our first settled choice for a girl, but then EVERYBODY started naming their babies that. Right now, we’re settled on a different “ia”, but I don’t want to jinx it here (I’ll email it to you).

    Joey will have to help with all the social stuff… Seriously, I am awful at it, and if it is left up to me, we may not celebrate ever. Just look at our anniversaries or birthdays :(

  11. On , Joey wrote:

    If I can be the at home dad, I’ll plan the parties. Deal?

  12. On , Maria wrote:

    Answer -> (Scorpio look and sepulchral silence)

  13. On , Marla wrote:

    I’m laughing at the dialogue. Planning is good. But just like all things that happen when you’re working on conceiving a baby, flexibility is also good.:)

    Here are ten reasons to make the leap:

    10. Kids do not HAVE to rule your family (though you often let them because they’re so cute trying it on and you have to laugh when they pretend they are you.)

    9. You don’t lose who you are; you experience a new side of yourself.

    8. You have a new form of entertainment. Just think, as often as you and Joey act out scenes on TV for each other, your little one will be that much more funny!

    7. You now have an excuse to keep the box of 64 crayons within reach at all times.

    6. The smell of that sweet baby head after a bath.

    5. Seeing the absolute wonder they have from learning several somethings new every single day including the mundane little details of life. Olivia wishes she were me because then she could wear pretty clothes anytime she wished. a) she has pretty clothes too b) I don’t wear pretty clothes that often but to her, I am Mommy Beautiful

    4. You will love Joey even deeper than you ever thought possible when he holds that baby in his arms and smiles back at you

    3. You’ll never run out of stories to blog about. Great poop stories await you.

    2. Joey will have someone to play with while you work

    1. The act of “conceiving” during pregnancy is muy deliciouso.

    Ten reasons NOT to have a baby:
    Elmo, Barney, Dora, Barbie, Chuck E. Cheese, McDonalds, the Wiggles, Disney, smashed peas, and shots

    Turn off the TV and don’t EAT the baby food that says clearly on the label “BABY FOOD”, and you’ll be fine. The shots thing, well, you’ll never get out of that.

  14. On , Maria wrote:

    These are absolutely great!… You should have a blog… WHEN????

    #8 is probably true, but with 2 clowns (us) and Pillo, it feels like it can hardly get any better than it already is.
    #6 gets me very excited.
    #4 made me tear up a little bit.
    #1 cracks me up. I love your choices of when to tackle Spanish!

    Funny you mention Chuck E. Cheese among the reasons not to have a child. It was YOUR pictures of Olivia’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese that got me so stressed about my future work as a mom and event planner.

    WHAT SHOTS???!!!

  15. On , Marla wrote:

    The endless string of vaccinations that the baby has to have before he or she is 4 years old. You’ll get to be a pro but only after you’ve shed tears while holding down a screaming infant who trusts and depends on you for its entire little life while some strange person sticks an ugly needle in his or her legs, (yes legs plural because they get two shots in each leg each time they go!). Afterward, you hold that little soul as close to you as you possibly can and pray that you can soothe her hurt away with all your love and that she will forget that you were the one who brought her there and held her for her torture.:) That’s what I mean by shots.

    But don’t forget your Measles/Mumps/Rubella vaccination (if you haven’t had one in the last 10 years) before you start trying to get pregnant!:)

  16. On , Mafe Maria • It’s Time! wrote:

    […] So I’m proud to announce that I have finally made an appointment with a new Ob/Gyn doctor, and everything that means (oh dear)… Here we go… […]