Trying is So Overrated
When Marla said that trying for a baby was overrated, I got it, but couldn’t imagine how true it really is. Trying to get pregnant? Really: Not fun at all.
I know… We’ve only tried seriously for a couple of months. We have no reason (correct: almost no reason) to believe that we can’t conceive. Yet, that is the constant nagging thought in my mind. Can we? How come I’m not pregnant yet? I mean, seriously: When I was 18, my mom convinced me that getting pregnant was sooooo easy, I refused to have sex with my boyfriend until I was out of college. What a fricking waste!… I’m sure R (ex college boyfriend) would laugh his heart out if he read this (he’s a mean ex).
For whatever silly reason, I had assumed that Joey and I would score on our first try. After all, I’ve been off the pill for several years. Of course, it doesn’t help that I put pregnancy on my calendar and we’re now pushed to the deadline. So, on the first month of trying, I became ultra-sensitive to “symptoms”. I started logging every weird little thing my body felt, 65% convinced that I was maybe pregnant. At the same time, I didn’t want to believe it fully for fear of disappointment. And yet, I didn’t want to believe I wasn’t for fear of giving energy to negative thoughts. Something very unusual happened to me. Something that forced me to sit down, breathe, and think “Oh, I must be pregnant”. I didn’t want to tell Joey about it — he would laugh at me. But I couldn’t resist and ended up telling him. He looked at me with infinite tenderness. With a smile and look that said “Poor little pajarita. She thinks she’s pregnant. How CUTE!”. I hated it.
When I told my mom that we were trying to conceive and unlike our first phony attempt, this time I did want to get pregnant, she told me not to get all psyched and intense about it because that might prevent me from getting pregnant. She said she knew of many couples who had only been able to conceive after they had given up and were ready to adopt. “Be calm”, she said. Don’t think about it. Dang! Like she knew I was already going nuts about all this.
So this month I’m making a conscious effort not to notice or write down any weird symptoms. I do have them, but they’re not consistent, and I also have very logical reasons to experience them:
- Hunger that hurts and I can’t ignore?… Well sure: It’s 2 pm. I should be hungry.
- Upset stomach?… Must be a side effect of the cold I just got.
- Episodes of bipolar behavior?… Stress, I’m sure.
- Sudden disgust and inability to eat the sandwich Joey just made for me?… That turkey must be funky. I’m not vomiting, so I can’t be pregnant.
- Hungry again? So soon?… I always get hungry when I’m bored.
- Ah yes: My boobs feel perfectly normal. If I were pregnant, they would hurt. They would look bigger. They would look different.
So I’m not giving importance to symptoms this time… What sucks about this month is that I’ve started charting my morning temperature, and the chart looks nothing like the perfectly clean and serene BBT chart my doctor showed me. I’m a volatile stock. Temperature spikes up and I go all “Oh shit! I’m ovulating… Must have sex tonight”. And next day the temperature is down. I’m disappointed: I *should* be ovulating by now. I take three or four readings every morning because the piece-of-junk digital thermometer reads something significantly different every time. My temperature is finally up where it should be after I have ovulated, and guess what: I missed it. Of course, if the chart is right, it means that this cycle will be the longest I’ve had in 2.5 years. Obviously I was not expecting that.
Talk about stress and intensity! No wonder I’m experiencing deep emotional lows followed by frenetic highs. That’s weird though, but I don’t want to believe that I have early-pregnancy mood swings. That got me last time. Seriously: Trying is soooo overrated.