The Guilt Begins…
Last Saturday we bought a crib for Bolliti, and the excitement of the event kicked off in high gear all kinds of ambitious decoration plans for the nursery.
Since baby bedding appears to cost almost as much as a crib, and because I love sewing and have big plans of a contemporary decor and specific color scheme for our baby’s room, I decided to make all the bedding myself. That triggered long hours of web searching for fabric with contemporary designs.
I also decided that this time I would really paint a mural. I’ve talked about ideas for a mural for the longest time, but what better chance to put the words to action than this!… That also got me shopping for ideas and inspiration. I started a lightbox at istockphoto with illustrations that inspired me for whatever reason, one of which keeps resonating in my head and I dare to say, probably will make it above the baby’s crib. Wanna see it?
With all the chatter of thoughts and ideas racing in my head, it took me hours to finally fall sleep on Saturday. All that got interrupted next day when I pulled out my room graphs and scale furniture and started planning the different moves of furniture that would take to clear my office for the baby’s room.
In my original plan (months ago) I had thought that Joey’s office would be the perfect room for a nursery. However, because my office is in a nicer room, Joey has slowly but surely guilted me into giving it to Bolliti. So Sunday I start planning the new rooms trying to figure out how to stick all my office stuff into the art room, and after hours of attempts I realize that there is no possible way to turn that room into my office without making it look like poop and having to do some major shift of stuff again whenever we decide to sell this house in order to show that room, the dining room, and the entry hallway well. The room is that problematic.
So I pout to Joey, telling him how hedious our house will look to visitors as soon as they step in, and how hard it will be for me to lose all the storage I currently enjoy in my office. He suggests that maybe it would make more sense for him to move to the art room. Although I resist the idea at first (Joey’s work area can get pretty messy very quickly and stay horrible for weeks), I eventually accept. So cool: I’ll keep my office, Joey will move downstairs, and the baby will sleep in the smaller room across my office. Perfect!
But Joey reminds me that I have “the best room in the house”… His office faces west and it can get pretty hot in the afternoons. He drops a “maybe you can move to my office and leave your room to little J” (he drops the baby’s tentative first name, making it all extremely personal). “Just consider it”… Joey talks about J’s little nappies, and other factors that make me feel guilty.
So I consider it. It could work, but it will be a major downsize of my space. Will the baby really appreciate it? I mean, come on!… This bollo is not going to be able to enjoy the mountain view out of his window for years. Plus, I’ve read several times how Dooce covers her child’s entire window with foil to make the room darker, just so that mom and dad can enjoy an extra couple minutes of sleep in the mornings. My office faces straight to the east: It’s pure sunshine in the morning. Give the baby the brightest room in the house, with the best view, only to have to cover it with foil later?… And then, that’s a lot of unused space for the three pieces of nursery furniture we’re planning on having. I’ll miss the space, but the baby won’t really use it — not for a while.
I try nursery layouts in my office and realize that the room doesn’t even allow for the perfect layout I wanted: That where as soon as I open the door I see the baby. All layouts end up with the crib in some less than optimal place and a lot of wasted space. I mentally decide to keep my room and give the baby Joey’s office. I tell Joey all my reasons… Suddenly I feel a little “puc” in my belly: It’s Bolliti…
—Mommy… I hear that you’re not going to give me your room. I’m so disappointed…
—But baby, I just don’t think it’s worth it
—Daddy tells me that you want to put me in the hottest, noisiest room in the house
—We’ll install a cute ceiling fan, and the room really is as noisy as any other room in the house. We’ll give you a lot of white noise… I’ll paint a little bird over your crib… It’s going to be so pretty!
—Yeah, sure… Fine: I’ll be ok… I just thought that moms were supposed to give their children THE BEST
—Believe me Bolliti. There will be plenty of opportunities for me to take the bread out of my mouth and give it to you. My life has already changed since you took possession of my body.
And yet, with all the reasoning, I kept feeling so terribly guilty.
That, until I talked to Joey again today. He nodded to all of my arguments, and finally ended the discussion by saying: “Good. I didn’t want to have to move all your office stuff anyway. That’s the best reason of all”.