Mafe Maria: Personal stories by autism parent mentor, Maria Stultz

Looking for the stars in my dark sky

Have been going through a blah time all the way since around Thanksgiving. Been so bummed down by this mood since it’s such a long drop from the high I had reached by chance a month ago. I was doing so well… getting it so much, that I even thought I didn’t need any more help. I knew what I needed to know. Was feeling it. Life was simple, and happy, and it was no longer a mental exercise. It just was. But all this low vibration has culminated on pure unhappiness this week. And today it went so low to the point of yelling at Joaquin during breakfast over a simple situation that has not even tickled me in the past (when I’ve been high).

So, according to my nature, I’ve been doing a lot of self whipping. Ffshh! Ffshh!… Come on! GET UP!… Get back up NOW and be happy again. Climb to where you were. DO IT!… What the heck is wrong with you?… Why did you fall?… You were doing so well before, and now poop again.

Last night I even dreamed of poop. Clearly I want so cleanse myself. Get rid of the crap. It just doesn’t happen so easily.

So today I decided to stop demanding from my poor fallen spirit. And instead use the opportunity to explore those things that are the source of my current unhappiness. Have been listing them out on a notebook with the idea of tackling them later and seeing if I can understand them better and discard them, and hopefully that will clear the sky.

And I check my facebook page today and find Barry Neil Kaufman’s daily thought:

“THE DARK SIDE: AN UNKIND MAKE-BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES. Let’s entertain there is no “dark side.” That’s just a belief (in this case, a judgment/belief). At night, we can see the stars. Imagine whenever we think it’s dark, it is time to search for the stars within. Even if we were angry, unkind, unloving… there is no darkness there… only unhappiness that we can embrace, understand and change.”

I call that a celestial sign of agreement. On I go…

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  1. On , Pete Stultz wrote:

    What is your assessment of where you are? I have looked for it and maybe have missed it.

    What progress have you made and where do you hope to be in 6 months?

  2. On , María Lopera wrote:

    Hola Mafe!!
    Me alegró mucho encontrarte en Facebook y poderme conectar contigo por allí… Y sabes qué pasó? La noche que aceptaste mi invitación me quedé hasta muy tarde (de manera inesperada) leyendo en tus blogs, viendo tus fotos, los videos con tu maravilloso Joaquín, tus bellos productos en la tienda y también leyendo con calma tus artículos… Y asi se repitió la noche siguiente y la siguiente (que fue ayer…)

    Y sabes? Debo decirte que no he podido dejar de pensar en ti. Asi, plano y punto. Quería escribirte de inmediato y saludarte y decirte cuánto me alegraba leer y ver de ti y de tu vida llena de riqueza, de tu familia, de todo lo que has hecho y haces, de quién eres… Es una gran creación personal, muy inspiradora y llena de estética; es muy profunda, muy sentida, muy auténtica, muy real y ante todo muy muy humana…

    Espero que la primavera llegue poco a poco y con ella muchas sonrisas y buenas cosas. Mafe, te mando un gran abrazo. Espero poder seguir leyendo de ti y escribiéndote también.

    Ojalá la primavera también llegue por acá…

    Hasta pronto. Saluda muy especialmente de parte mia y de Sebastian y Nicolás a Joaquín:)

    Un abrazo