Mafe Maria: Personal stories by autism parent mentor, Maria Stultz

The storms off the beaten path

Still in bed, realizing I’m lingering again trying to delay beginning my day because I expect discomfort, I decide to scan my system. “What is this?”—I ask mentally. “What is it that is weighing me down right now?”.

—Breakfast. I don’t have anything made—I have to decide what to make. And Joaquin’s lesson.

—What about Joaquin’s lesson?

—Oh, I would be so much happier if my day was not scheduled already. If I knew it is a blank canvas in which I can paint anything I want.

—But wait… Joaquin’s lesson only takes one hour of your day.

—Yes, but I hate the time before doing it. I never know what to do. I have to decide what we’ll do.

“I have to decide what we’ll do”… How about if you don’t? How about if you postpone all that thinking and decision-making and just GET UP knowing that whatever you’ll do will be revealed to you right before you do it?

—Okay. That sounds lighter.

—Now get up and call all of your spirit to come fully into your body. Put your feet down touching the ground.

—Wow. I feel the weight of gravity!

—Stretch your arms high and call upon your soul to keep you connected to Spirit, to inspire you today. Set up your intention for today and go!

Thoughts in the background

Somehow I’ve stopped trusting unschooling since Joaquin has become so attached to his digital life in the iPad and has become so interested in video games. He only gets them for a limited time, but if he had his way he’d spend the whole day playing them.

I’m realizing this week that I feel completely responsible for Joaquin’s life, forgetting that he is an individual soul in a body with his own purpose and capacity to navigate the stormy waters. I realize that I’m trying to stir him away from any storm, like it is my job. I want to secure his future. I want to heal all his limitations. I want him to want the same and COOPERATE!, ha ha!

So I’m having to remind myself deeply again that it is not my job to direct his life. If we don’t heal his limitations now, if he doesn’t get educated, if he suffers… He still has the capacity to decide for himself what he’ll do with his life—just like me here. I need to say this to myself over and over and over because I know that I have stopped trusting Joaquin and I’m trying to take charge. And it’s painful! So it must be wrong.

. . . . .

I carry very heavy responsibility patterns on my psyche, but I need to remember that my best is enough and Joaquin has a bigger responsibility for his own life. Man, that still is a hard pill to swallow! Something in me still feels like a womb for him, like he gets everything from me. No wonder I look pregnant.

. . . . .

My life parenting and educating Joaquin is completely out of the mould, and the uncertainty about its results makes me feel very insecure so often. I feel the emotional pattern, notice the thoughts, attempt to reframe my perspective and inspire myself, but the unhappiness and stress return over and over and over.

I realize that this holds great potential of expansion, not only for me but also for the collective, if in the end our path reaches a “happy ending” and we prove to the world that our way also works—maybe even better than the traditional and popular model. But the old programming in me resists, and screams, and wants evidence that we’re not screwing up, and torments me frequently.

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