A Terrifying Move
My fingers show severe ongoing anxiety. That’s major fear of change, my dears. I don’t have enough information to make a decision yet, but in preparation for worst case scenarios I am doing fear.
Not quite diving into exploration, but loving and present with me this morning, Tali tells me:
It’s totally okay if you walk through it feeling totally scared. You can do it that way. She may have not anticipated the effect of her words, but hearing that “[I] can do it that way” reminded me that I am doing it. And so, I can choose. I have power to decide the way I want to move right now. And I’d rather be present, open, excited, and inspired as I consider my options and the amazing adventure that may (or may not) unfold ahead. I want the highest aspect of my soul—not fear—to drive the decisions.
A long time ago I was scared though I thought “going to battle” was the right move. I was afraid, and afraid I was ready to grind my teeth and do it. Then I stepped in the shower and a voice inside gave me a battle speech I will never forget. I couldn’t see the path ahead as scary anymore. My perspective was completely transformed and I couldn’t wait to lead us all into this new ground.
Joaquin and I have recently started book 15, the last book, of our “Pandilla Salvaje” series. The pack of animals have finished building their ship, they’ve managed to secretly purchase an island, have fought the human villain over and over losing their home in the process, and are planning to liberate the zoo animals, blow up the cave where their ship is hiding and sail to freedom tomorrow night. They still have so much to do. It’s the last step of their plan and they’re scared. I’ve loved their story so much and this morning thought of it as a mirror of ours. They’re all afraid and the hardest part is yet to come. But they’ll do it. They won’t quit on their last difficult step to freedom… My little fictional teachers!
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Context: I found the perfect school for Joaquin in New York. I had always thought that we’d move to the perfect school, but the reality as we considered it meant moving alone with Joaquin while Joey kept his job and our home in Salt Lake City. We had arranged a family visit to experience the school and I was terrified by the possibility of coming to make such hard decision.